How to Not Just Keep, But Celebrate Your Individuality in Relationships

We’ve all heard variations of these phrases from people in relationships:

"I’ve got to report to my wife."

"Now that I’m married, I need to ask my partner before I decide anything."

"My partner wants it this way, so I just go along with it."

"My wife is out of town. I'm finally free."

“I had to give up my career for my kids.”

Underlying this is a feeling of being trapped and constrained in relationships. New parents mourn the freedom they used to have. Professionals regret that they can’t chase their dreams anymore. Partners feel like they’ve silenced themselves to keep the peace.

It sometimes feels like we would be happier without relationships. But is this really true?

We hear people who do not have relationship commitments say, “I love the freedom—I don’t need to check with anyone about where to eat, when to go for a holiday.” But we also hear them say, “Sometimes I wish I had someone to come home to.”

It feels like we have to make a choice between our individuality and connection.

If you’ve ever wondered: 

“Is it possible to be my true self and stay deeply connected at the same time?”

“Can I have freedom and a fulfilling relationship together?”

The answer is an absolute YES!

But first, we need to change our mindset about relationships.

Rewriting the Relationship Story: From Sacrifice to Authenticity

Many of us were taught that relationships are about “sacrifice” and “compromise”. We hear our elders advise that if both sides give in a little, the relationship will work and we will be happy.

But in real life, it’s not that simple. We give, but we still do not meet our partner’s expectations all the time. Likewise, there are times when our partner’s do not live up to our expectations. Overtime, this leads to cycles of arguments, emotional withdrawal, and eventually–“checking out” of the relationship.

The underlying belief is: individuality vs. connection is a zero-sum game. If one grows, the other must shrink.

This creates transactional relationships built on fear: fear of losing connection, or fear of losing yourself. These are primal fears that make us go into survival and self-preservation mode, where we fiercely guard our independence, or cling desperately to the relationship.

In a thriving relationship, individuality and connection go hand-in-hand and enhance each other.

Think about it like this: When your relationships at home feel distant or draining, it’s hard to focus or feel fulfilled in your work or personal pursuits. But when you have safety, warmth, belonging and healthy challenge in your relationships, you are empowered to take bold steps, pursue your purpose, and grow into your highest potential.

This works both ways. When you feel unfulfilled in your individual goals and achievements, it’s hard to show up fully in your relationships. But when you feel proud of who you are—you bring more joy and love into your relationships.

The First Step is Healing: Our Personal Experience

Kavitha and I (Kester) both grew up in environments where individuality was often sacrificed for the “good” of the group. We heard things like:

“We have to do this because it’s expected.”

“What will people think?”

“This is just how things are done in our family.”

When we came together, we brought these beliefs with us. We would sacrifice our own needs to avoid conflict, suppress our emotions to please the other, and expect the other to give back. When we could not take it any longer, it led to many explosive arguments.

I remember shouting at Kavitha, “I do so much for you and still it is not enough for you. It is always me giving and giving and giving. What about me? What about my needs!”

When I practiced deep listening and introspected, I realised that outburst was not actually directed at Kavitha. Rather, it was a cry from the part of me I had abandoned as a child. A part that had learnt that my needs didn’t matter.

I shared this with Kavitha, and we created a safe space to heal those wounds together.

As we healed, we felt freer to express our needs without feeling guilty. We also started to honor each other’s needs without feeling threatened.

This was a turning point for us. We began to create a relationship where both of us could thrive as individuals and a family. One of the steps we took was to create a system where we would get time for our individual passions, couple time, time with our son, time with friends, and time for solitude.

How to Start Celebrating Your Individuality in Your Relationship

The first step to creating relationships where you can feel free as an individual is to work on healing the underlying pain of suppressing your needs (we all have this to different degrees), and the limiting beliefs you may have acquired about relationships.

Without healing this, the way that you express your needs will tend to come from a space of aggression and defensiveness, rather than calm authenticity.

Here are 3 practical steps to get you started:

1. Make a list of moments in your life where you’ve stayed silent, suppressed your needs, or shrunk yourself in your closest relationships.

2. Set an intention to recall the one memory that most shaped this pattern. Be present and allow the memory to come to you.

3. As you recall that memory, what does your body feel? What did the version of you in that memory really wanted to say? What does that version of you need to heal? Journal your answers.

If you feel safe, share this with someone you trust—a partner, sibling, close friend. Notice how you and your relationships shift, when you give voice to your truth.

Wishing you a Sacred Saturday!

Kester