How to Handle Triggers in Relationships: Tips for Connection & Growth

“Dear, I’ve had enough. I do not understand what is trying to happen? How is it possible that we trigger each other so much? When will this ever end?” I (Kavitha) collapsed onto the floor, my body giving way to overwhelming exhaustion. I turned to Kester, hoping he might have an answer. Instead, I noticed him withdrawing, with tension etched into his posture and knots of frustration tightening across his back. 

Relationship Disharmony – A Common Occurrence

Relationship disharmony, is a rather common occurrence. I’ve had such experiences with my mother, my son and at times with my closest friends. During a 1-1 session, my client complained, contemplating if she should bring her friend for therapy too:

“It’s as if I don’t exist at all. It hurts me to see my closest friend completely ignore me. I understand that she just started dating and a new relationship requires more time. But how can she just throw away all that we’ve built for years?”

In the early days of our relationship, Kester and I tried every material we could find on avoiding triggers in a relationship–we had ‘time-offs’, took long walks, focused on breathing, and even worked with a mentor. These worked–temporarily–and then the triggers got activated again. This time, things came out screaming louder than before. 

Tired of these repeated U-turns, in one of those deep moments of despondency, Kester asked, “Should we try something different?” I looked at him and let out a deep sigh of relief. It turned out that "something different" meant standing tall and facing our triggers with courage.

How Facing Triggers Together Changes Your Relationship

Over the next few years of facing our triggers, Kester and I learnt that relationships act as mirrors. When you are triggered because of something your partner has said or done, it reveals a part in you that you may not be aware of, similar to how a mirror reflects your physical appearance. This triggered part of you may be a childhood belief system that has been questioned, or an unresolved wound from your past that your partner's behaviour has now resurfaced in you. The clearer and more honest we are with ourselves, the healthier and more thriving our relationships become.

What Are "Triggers" in a Relationship?

A trigger is an emotional reaction—like anger, frustration, or guilt—caused by something your partner or friend says or does.

In an unconscious person, the trigger hijacks the mind. The mind starts to “collect evidence” against the other person. The hundreds of good and positive things the person in question has said or done is forgotten, and a file that holds memories of all the negative things is activated. With this ‘ammunition’, the trigger starts to frame your partner or friend so it can ‘hide its tracks’.

A conscious person on the other hand, notices the emergence of a trigger and self-sits to enquire into the narrative that is being fed into the mind. They are bluntly honest with themselves. They sit with the trigger, ask self-inquiry questions, and deep listen to unearth hidden patterns. Only after they have gained sufficient self-awareness do they engage in a constructive conversation with their partner or friend, about what can be done differently next time.

Self-Awareness: A Simple Daily Practice to Handle Relationship Triggers

Raising awareness of self is a skill set that required consistent practice. Often times we may think, when I have an issue or challenge, then I will think what to do with it. This is equal to saying, “when I am drowning, I will learn to swim.” Just like swimming is a skill that requires investing consistent time to learn and practice, building thriving relationships is a skillset that can be learnt over time.

Here is a simple exercise to get you started:

Step 1

Set aside one minute every day.

Step 2

Sit down, in a space where you won’t be disturbed for a minute. A notebook might come in handy for the next steps. Avoid using a phone of digital devises as these may distract you.

Step 3

Take a couple of deep breaths to relax yourself.

Here is a breathing pattern Kester and I find useful. Do 4-5 sets.

Box breathing: Breathe-in 4 counts, hold breath 4 counts, exhale 4 counts.

Step 4

Simply, observe the thoughts that come to your mind; Remember you are just an observer, you are not controlling or thinking the thoughts.

Step 5

Write down the thoughts as they come to mind as a stream of consciousness without filter. If your mind is blank, just write that your mind is blank. If you are thinking “this is so hard”, write that down. The objective is to switch from being the “thinker” of your thoughts, to becoming the “observer” of your thoughts; when you are the “thinker”, you believe that your thoughts are true and this causes suffering. When you are the “observer”, you become free from being controlled by your thoughts.

Step 6

Read the thoughts to yourself and notice if there is a pattern.

When done consistently, this exercise can increase your awareness levels in moments of triggers significantly.

Wishing you a Sacred Saturday!

Kavitha