What is Authentic Connection, Really? Myths and Truths About Friendship in Adulthood

“Authentic connection” has become a buzzword among Millennials and Gen Zs. We all say we want it.

We’re tired of small talk that stops at “how have you been?” and doesn’t go further.

We’re tired of pretending to be who people expect us to be.

We’re tired of watching picture-perfect lives on social media while feeling unseen in our own lives.

We long for honest conversations and meaningful friendships in adulthood with people who get us.

But here’s the question we rarely ask:

Do we actually know what authentic connection is?

Is it just the opposite of fakeness?

Is it just about sharing something personal with someone?

The truth is, sometimes what we think is authenticity, is not. That’s why we can still feel lonely even with friends.

In this article, we’ll unpack three common myths about “authentic connection” that might be holding you back from the real, nourishing relationships you’re looking for.

Myth #1: Authentic Connection Means Saying How I Feel Without Filter

Many of us confuse blunt honesty with authenticity.

A friend might say:

“Hey, I didn’t like what you did last week.”

Or

“My boundary is X and I expect you to respect it.”

They might say, “I’m just being honest because I care about our friendship.” On the surface, it sounds authentic. But you feel something is off and can’t figure out what’s wrong.

Here’s the reality: Our negative feelings are often symptoms, not the root cause. They get triggered when something subconsciously reminds us of a past trauma, an old fear, or a deeply ingrained belief from our upbringing.

A personal example:

I (Kester) used to get so triggered when my wife, Kavitha, interrupted me mid-sentence. I would react by saying harshly: “Please don’t cut me off when I’m talking.”

While this sounded like me asserting my boundary, the same conflict kept coming back.

One day, after yet another explosive argument over the same issue, I felt determined to find a permanent solution.

Through deep listening and connecting to my emotions, I realised my triggers had nothing to do with Kavitha’s interruptions. They were activating the pain from my childhood, where I was not able to speak freely at home or school.

Going deeper still, I saw this was an intergenerational trauma passed down from my Chinese ancestors, who lived in a society where speaking out or expressing a unique opinion could lead to social isolation or punishment.

When I shared this insight with Kavitha, things shifted. It was no longer about creating a wall between us with “boundaries”. It was an invitation for us to connect.

She responded by saying, “I respect that you took ownership of your feelings. How can I support you?”

From then, we worked together to create a safe space for me to express myself, and for both our voices to come out more powerfully without anyone feeling suppressed.

This is the takeaway:

Real authenticity requires self-awareness before self-expression. If we only share our surface emotions without understanding the deeper wound, we’re not connecting in a way that grows the relationship.

Myth #2: Sharing All My Problems All the Time is Authentic Connection

We’ve all met someone who “trauma dumps” at every chance—or maybe we ourselves have done that unconsciously when we were really desperate for connection.

Here’s the truth: Neediness can feel like connection, but it’s actually a transaction.

If you’re looking for someone to fill the parental love you never received or the validation you craved as a child, you’re not building connection—you’re outsourcing your healing.

Authentic connection is strongest when both people come together from a place of self-awareness and personal empowerment.

This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help or share your struggles. It means you recognise which parts of your healing are yours to work on, and which parts others can genuinely support.

When both people take responsibility for their own growth, the bond becomes mutual, balanced and deeply fulfilling.

Myth #3: One Heart-to-Heart Conversation Equals Authentic Connection

Many of us have enjoyed those card games with soul-baring questions like “when was the last time you cried”, or have been to friend-making events such as dinner with strangers.

But here’s the thing: A single deep conversation can spark closeness, but it’s not the finish line.

Authentic connection isn’t a one-time experience we can buy like a Taylor Swift concert. It requires consistent attention, care and presence.

Authentic connection requires trust and commitment, which can only be built up over time, by showing up through both fun times and hard seasons.

As a relationship is nurtured, authentic connection feels like going through life together. You feel you belong and are valued in a community. Individuals know your story without you having to repeat yourself all the time; they may even know you better than yourself at times. They challenge you to grow, celebrate your wins, and hold you through your lows.

How To Start Building Authentic Connections

As cliché as it sounds, authentic connection starts with connection with yourself. From the lessons above, this means:

• Go beneath the surface of your emotions. Ask: What is the root cause of my feelings?
• Reflect on your motivations. Are you entering connections from neediness or from a place of empowerment?
• Show up consistently for yourself. Make a long-term commitment to regularly invest time and resources to nurture your relationship with yourself.

A Simple Practice: The “Do Nothing” Exercise

Here’s an exercise that have helped our clients transform their self-relationship — and by extension, their friendships and partnerships.

How to do it:

• Set aside 10–30 minutes daily.
• Sit quietly — ideally in nature, or simply facing a wall.
• No phones, no books, no distractions.
• Sit with your thoughts. When a thought arises just notice it and let it pass.

There is no right or wrong way to do this exercise. The idea is to just be with yourself. It may feel uncomfortable, pointless and boring at first, but you may be surprised at what comes out of it.

Your connection with yourself is the foundation of your relationship with others. When you start with self-connection, you’ll naturally create spaces where real relationships, deeper connections, and meaningful friendships in adulthood can flourish.

Kester

P.S. Life is Sacred. Live with intention.