Why Committed People Cheat

In the light of the Coldplay scandal, Kester and I have seen the incident being taken out of context and spun into several different comical and monetisation trends on social media ranging from memes, spoofs, to businesses using this as a marketing tool to “ride the trend”.

This need to “monetise” and “ride the wave” takes us away from important lessons the Coldplay scandal and many other incidents of cheating highlight.

Today’s newsletter is a deep dive into 7 psychology reasons behind infidelity and what this shows about our deep, non-negotiable need for genuine human connection.

Beyond Sexual, What Cheating Really Reflects

When we hear about cheating, our first instinct is judgement. We wonder how someone could betray their partner's trust, especially when they seemed committed. We say things like:

• “Must have been a younger woman” or
• “Maybe she was fishing for a bigger catch”
• “When she was having a baby, he was having an affair”.

Most of us think of cheating as purely sexual like a physical affair. But this narrow view misses the bigger picture entirely. 

So, before we dive into why committed people cheat, let us first expand our understanding of what constitutes cheating.

Emotional Affairs and Non-Sexual Cheating 

The urge to cheat often comes when we have very high unmet emotional needs. Such cheating happens when we stop investing energy into building real connection with people who matter (e.g. partner), and invest that energy elsewhere.

An emotional affair might look like consistently turning to a colleague, a friend or an AI Chatbot for deep conversations and emotional support like sharing your innermost thoughts, fears, and dreams.

Porn, Fantasies, and Attention-Seeking: They Are Forms of Cheating Too

Under this broader definition, cheating can include:

• Using porn or engaging services to satisfy sexual desires instead of focusing on building sexual intimacy with your partner
• Consistently seeking validation and attention from others on social media
• Living in fantasy worlds - like building romantic connection(s) on gaming platforms or living an imaginary life with your K-pop idol

7 Psychological Reasons People Cheat (The Hidden Truth)

Understanding why people cheat requires looking beyond surface-level explanations to the deeper psychological patterns at play. Here are 8 reasons committed people step outside their relationships:

1. Unconscious Seeking: When People Don't Realise What They Need

Many people who cheat aren't consciously seeking to betray their partner. They might think they're just enjoying attention from someone new and that “this will last only for a short time”. Or they might tell themselves "I’m just building these fantasies in my head, it’s not real and won’t hurt my relationship.”

What they don’t realise is the depth of their underlying unmet for deep human connection. Surface phrases like, “just enjoying attention” or “fantasies in my head”, is actually the part of them that is desperately trying to bring to their awareness the unmet need for emotional connection.

This unconscious seeking explains why cheating often feels so compulsive. The person might know it's wrong, might genuinely want to stop, but feel unable to control their behaviour. They're not operating from their rational mind—they're being driven by deeper unconscious patterns.

This is why someone can genuinely love their partner and still cheat. They're not necessarily looking to replace their relationship; they're desperately trying to fill a void that their current relationship isn't addressing.

2. Unmet Emotional Needs That Drive Cheating Patterns

Cheating patterns reflect deeper unmet needs. Here are some examples:

• The Undervalued Partner: Someone whose constantly criticised by their partner might be drawn to a person who adores them and sees their worth. Such a person is seeking appreciation and validation not sex.
• The Overlooked Partner: Someone whose partner is always focused on work, the children, or other extended family duties, might find themselves gravitating toward a person who provides undivided attention. Such a person is seeking to be seen and prioritised.
• The Misunderstood Partner: Someone whose emotional world isn't understood by their partner might connect with someone who shares similar life experiences or emotional depths. Such a person is seeking empathy and emotional resonance.

3. Past Trauma Amplifies Relationship Disconnection

Unhealed wounds from the past and previous relationships don't just stay in the past—they actively shape our present relationships. Trauma involving experiences of loneliness, unworthiness, abandonment, or neglect can create behaviours where sex or attention becomes a way to fill an inner void.

This is what we call "sexualised trauma"—when past wounds manifest as overwhelming sexual attractions or compulsive sexual behaviours. The person might feel hijacked by their own desires, experiencing attractions that feel out of control and disconnected from genuine intimacy.

Someone with unresolved trauma of this kind might use affairs to escape facing uncomfortable emotions or even to prove their worth to themselves.

Here are some examples:

• Sexual Abuse. A person who was sexually abused as a child may take away the subconscious belief that “it is okay to use someone’s body for pleasure”; and use sex to escape the unresolved shame and pain from the abuse.
• Sexual Shame. A person who grew up in an environment where sex was taboo might reject and suppress their own natural sexual desires, causing those desires to come out in unconscious, insidious ways.
• Gender-Based Trauma. A person who went through unsafe experiences with one gender may develop sexual attraction to the opposite gender (e.g. a man who was abused by women in the past may develop sexual attraction to men due to the subconscious belief that “it is unsafe for me to be with a woman”).
• Toxic Masculinity. A person whose masculinity was suppressed because his father was domineering and it was unsafe for him to express masculine qualities such as assertiveness, can develop sexual attraction to men, even though he may be dominantly heterosexual.

4. The Vulnerability Paradox: Fear of Connection

Paradoxically, some people cheat not because they can't connect, but because they're terrified of connecting too deeply. This fear of connection creates its own set of destructive patterns. They build an unconscious fortified wall around themselves, making it nearly impossible for them to connect to anyone, including their intimate relationships.

Real intimacy requires vulnerability—the willingness to be completely seen and known by another person. For some, this level of exposure feels terrifying. What if they're rejected? What if they're not enough? What if they get hurt?

Cheating can become a way to avoid this vulnerability whilst still experiencing some form of connection. Surface-level affairs or emotional connections feel safer because they don't require the same level of emotional risk. The person can maintain their protective walls whilst still getting some of their connection needs met.

5. How Fear of Commitment Creates Constant Option-Seeking

People with commitment fears often cheat as a way of keeping their options open. Their greatest terror is being "trapped" or missing out on something better. They might love their partner, but the fear of fully committing creates an unconscious need to maintain escape routes.

This pattern keeps them in an endless cycle of seeking something new rather than going deep with what they have. They sacrifice the profound satisfaction that comes from deep, committed intimacy for the temporary thrill of novelty and possibility.

6. The Secrecy Cycle: How Shame Makes Cheating Worse

One of the most destructive aspects of cheating isn't the act itself—it's the secrecy and shame that surround it. This creates a vicious cycle that often makes the behaviour worse rather than better.

Initially, the secrecy of cheating can feel exciting. There's a thrill in doing something forbidden, in having a secret life that no one else knows about. This excitement can become addictive, creating a high that's hard to replicate in the safety of committed relationship.

But this thrill comes with a devastating cost. The secrecy creates shame, and shame drives people to hide their behaviour even more. The more they hide, the more disconnected they become from their partner, which increases their emotional starvation and drives more cheating behaviour.

7. Human Connection - A Non-Negotiable Need

Connection isn't optional. It's not a luxury or “nice to have”. It's as essential to our wellbeing as food, water, and sleep.

When our need for deep emotional connection goes unmet for extended periods, we enter a state that's similar to physical starvation. Our judgement becomes clouded, our impulse control weakens, and we become increasingly driven to seek connection wherever we can find it.

This "starvation" doesn't happen overnight. It builds slowly as couples get caught up in the busyness of life—work, children, responsibilities—and gradually stop prioritising the emotional intimacy that once came naturally. Small disconnections compound over time until the relationship feels more like “room-mates” or “business partnership” than an intimate bond.

As relationship therapists, Kester and I have helped several couples rebuild intimacy post infidelity. 95% of the times, when we go into understanding the root cause of why the cheating happened, we uncover and extended periods of emotional drought.

“These days, it’s so difficult to connect with him. Everything has become so robotic and mechanical, like checking a box on a to-do list. With Soon (not his real name) it felt so different, we could talk for hours. I felt seen and valued. Like I mattered,” said Zia (not her real name) during a therapy session.

The Real Truth About Cheating

Here's what we need to understand: cheating is usually about unmet needs, unhealed wounds, and lack of connection skills. When we approach it from this perspective, we can address the real issues instead of just treating the symptoms.

This doesn't excuse cheating or minimise the pain it causes. But it does offer hope. If cheating is fundamentally about human connection needs, then the solution lies in learning how to meet those needs within our committed relationships.

The Way Forward: What If…

99% of the couples Kester and I worked with as relationship therapists, assumed that relationships should “just work out” and lacked the skillsets required to build thriving relationships. When crisis hit, they sort therapy. While this is one way to deal with challenges.

But, what if as a couple you actively seek and learnt the skillsets essential for nurturing a resilient relationship. Imagine for a moment how this pro-active move would deepen your emotional connection and deepen your intimacy in the relationship. This could prevent many pitfalls.

The couples who thrive long-term aren't the ones who never face temptation or challenges. They're the ones who learn to recognise when connection is slipping and have the tools to rebuild it before crisis hits.

Remember: Your relationship doesn't have to be perfect, but it does need to be prioritised. It needs time, conscious effort, and the right skills. Most importantly, it needs both partners committed to growing together rather than growing apart.

Because at the end of the day, we all need deep human connection. The question is: where are you going to find it?

Kavitha

P.S. Life is Sacred. Live with Intention.