“Hey, we are out of bread, are you gonna make some?” I (Kavitha) asked Kester on Tuesday morning, in an irritated and demanding tone.
Jace (our son) had just started his December school holidays and our family was still settling into a new routine—balancing care for Jace, with the day-to-day operational needs of SACRED®.
That Tuesday morning, there was anger brewing inside of me.
Even though my Awareness was holding the anger with compassion, a tinge of irritation slipped out when I spoke to Kester.
I noticed Kester’s agitation as he acknowledged what I said. He agreed to bake bread and walked into the kitchen.
Different Strengths
When it comes to baking, Kester and I have different strengths.
Kester is very good at baking bread and my skills are in making brownies, cakes and granola.
Our family is very blessed, in that we always have a regular fresh supply of homemade bread.
Kester is truly passionate about bread making. He finds it a calming activity and weaves breadmaking into his weekly routine.
Whereas for me, baking is a full-day ritual.
It is a space I like to enter when I am feeling deeply relaxed and inspired to channel my creativity in that direction.
That said, in my mind, breadmaking is complex. To me, it requires a lot of repetitive steps and is not as forgiving as cake-making.
Prior to meeting Kester, I had attempted breadmaking three or four times on my own, and every time it ended in a disaster.
Baking that beautiful, crisp brown loaf of bread seemed to come so naturally to Kester, that the part of me that was afraid of breadmaking decided it rather leave the task to him and have nothing to do with
it.
Anger Brewing
That Tuesday morning, I was tired. My periods were round the corner and I still needed to complete a bunch of tasks before taking my period leave.
(Note: Kester and I schedule our off days differently based on our individual productivity cycles. In general, men's energy and productivity tend to follow the daily sun cycle, while women's align with the monthly lunar cycle. More on this in future emails.)
Needing to figure out my breakfast was yet another task that added to my mental load.
That’s when I felt the anger brewing inside me.
Thoughts that came from the anger included: “Why does Kester guard the bread recipe with his life? Why can’t he just teach me, then I could have made it myself? See now, there is no bread and he won’t like it if I place a Grab order for breakfast. I hate being reliant on him for food.”
I know, I know, my dear reader, the last paragraph might have confused you, just as it confused me.
When my Awareness heard anger's narrative, it’s question to the anger was: “Wait a minute, I thought you did not like to bake bread? Tell me what is really behind this narrative?”
It was at this exact moment of inner turmoil and confusion that Kester walked into the kitchen and the irritation of the anger spilt over to him.
(Note: This is what practicing the skill of self-awareness looks like. When you feel a big emotion, you can step back and talk to it from your Awareness. Your Awareness is like a wise part of you that can watch what's happening and help you understand your feelings better. This is a key skill we teach at SACRED courses and 1-1 sessions.)
Darling, I'm Angry. I Suffer.
My Awareness caught the anger mid-thought and like a wise elder, held anger's hand with love and compassion.
I took a deep breath and followed Kester to the kitchen.
I held Kester's hands, looked into his troubled eyes, and said one of the hardest things to say: “Darling, I am angry. I suffer.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
Kester softened too. He held my hands, looked into my eyes, and uttered the same words: “Darling I too am angry. I suffer too.”
We sat with the emotion we each felt and shared what we felt with the other.
After resolving the emotions, Kester taught me how to bake bread.
For the first time in my life, the bread turned out really delicious! You can see a picture of what we baked together at the start of this email.
The Work To Reach Here
For us to get to this space, where we are able to observe our thoughts and emotions as the Awareness and process it internally, took a lot of work.
Initially, anger got the better of us and we ended up hurting each other a lot.
After each incident, when Awareness returned, Kester and I would have long conversations on what we hoped to do better next time.
This pattern continued several times and through each one of these repeated incidents, we slowly refined our methods of resolving conflicts.
Even now we still get angry, we still get frustrated, but the difference is how the brain has been re-trained to be more aware.
This is a process, a skill that needs practice, practice and more practice to get better and better at.
The processes we designed over the years, through our own experience with conflict resolution, combined with our professional training as therapists, is what we bring into our offerings at SACRED®.
Ways to Work with Us in 2026
- 7-Day Free Relationship Reset Challenge - Shows you the 3 gaps that cause problems in modern relationships (romantic, family, friends, or workpalce) and how to fix them. Even if you've tried therapy or other programmes, we recommend starting here. Sometimes things don't work because the foundation isn't solid.
- 6-Month Relationship Skills Course - After healing our marriage and transforming 1,000+ lives, we've distilled the most essential relationship skills into this 6-month course. Learn to resolve conflict, communicate authentically, and deepen connection—step by step. Registration for first 2026 run closes on 1 February 2026.
- 1-1 Private Therapy Consultation - We have opened up very limited slots for individual therapy and couple therapy in 2026, for those who are truly committed to change. Book a consultation to apply.
In Love and Friendship,
Kavitha Shekar-Tay
Co-Founder and Co-CEO, SACRED®
Modern Relationship Advocate
P.S. I made a reel on the phrase—“darling I am angry, I suffer”—and how to apply it in your relationships. You can watch the reel here:
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