Emotionally Intense Relationships: Lessons from the Story of Shiva and Shakti
As relationship therapists, when Kavitha and I (Kester) work with couples who feel stuck in the same emotionally charged fights, we often see similarities to our own marriage.
We recognise those moments — raising of voices, exchanging hurtful words, and feeling so drained from the whole thing.
The woman (or the person with a dominant feminine side) struggles with intense fire and emotions within themselves during conflict.
The man (or the person with a dominant masculine side) struggles to stay grounded in such moments. He may shut down, withdraw, or get defensive.
The woman accuses the man of “not being a leader”, “not being emotionally available”, “not providing safety”.
The man accuses the woman of “not controlling her emotions”, being “unreasonable”, being “too much”.
Story of Shiva and Shakti
There’s a story from Indian mythology that mirrors what many couples go through.
To defeat a demon, Shakti summons her fierce, destructive power. But that energy is so intense that, without grounding, it overwhelms her. Lost in its force, she begins to destroy everything in her path.
The gods turn to her husband, Shiva, for help. He tries to calm her with words, but she can’t hear him. Instead of fighting her, Shiva lays down in her path.
When Shakti steps on Shiva, his steady presence gives her the grounding she needs. And she returns to awareness.
Why These Conflicts Feel So Intense
In our experience, emotionally intense relationships have a unique potential of bringing about tremendous amounts of growth in individuals.
Shakti represents the full range of feminine qualities. She can be soft and caring, but also fierce and bold when something needs to change.
For example, a woman can feel intense rage when:
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The relationship has stagnated and partners have become “roommates”.
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Comfort and familiarity is preventing growth and much-needed change.
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She is experiencing the resurfacing of a past trauma that needs healing.
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Her partner is showing cowardice and needs to face his own fears.
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There is dishonesty or lack of integrity in the relationship.
The emotion is not meant to cause harm, but to wake both up to the truth that old habits need to end.
What Both Partners Can Learn
After working one-to-one with more than 1,000 clients, we created the SACRED T.R.U.S.T. Method™ — a framework that helps couples turn emotionally intense moments into growth.
The first step in the Method is Tune In — pausing to notice what’s really trying to happen, instead of reacting unconsciously.
When emotions run high, one partner might feel like Shakti — fiery, overwhelmed, wanting to be held. The other might feel like Shiva — unsure how to help without losing themselves.
The masculine-dominant partner’s role is not to fix, argue, or defend, but to ground. To stay connected to his heart, and become aware that something deeper is happening.
The feminine-dominant partner’s role is to feel without losing awareness. To be curious: What is this fire in me trying to change or reveal?
Through Tuning In, both partners bring awareness into the moment. This is the first step to emotional mastery, and moving from painful patterns into meaningful connection.
A New Way to Navigate Intense Relationships
Kavitha and I have moved through these challenges ourselves. We know how lonely and confusing it can feel when the usual relationship advice doesn’t work — when communication tools or conventional therapy doesn’t work.
That’s why we created the SACRED T.R.U.S.T. Method™, to bring deeper understanding of relationships and a practical approach that actually works, based on lived experiences.
We’ve used this Method to help hundreds of couples who believed that they were just “not compatible” or “unlucky in relationships”, to discover that emotional intensity is not a burden, but an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
You can begin this journey into the SACRED T.R.U.S.T. Method™ too:
1-1 or Couple Therapy: Get our personalised support to move beyond repetitive conflicts, constant miscommunication, and the exhausting feeling of being unseen and unheard. Our sessions will help you develop strong grounding and self-awareness, heal old triggers, and deepen intimacy. Book a trial therapy session → CLICK HERE
Relationship Foundation Course: Learn the practices and insights that have helped over 1,000 individuals, couples and families create fulfilling, lasting partnerships. The course starts tomorrow, 1st March. Sign up here → CLICK HERE
In Friendship and Love,
Kester
