Last weekend, Kavitha, Jace (our 9-year-old son) and I had our very first family circle–while playing Lego.
Kavitha and I had learnt the practice of circles from the African indigenous communities and Australian Aboriginals we studied with.
A circle is a sacred space where people sit together to share their innermost thoughts and feelings, and to truly listen to one another.
From our experience with the tribes, a circle is a powerful, transformational space that can bring about healing, connection and clarity.
Kavitha and I had held circles between the two of us whenever we had difficult conflicts to resolve.
But this was the first time we included Jace, to resolve a conflict our family was facing.
A Hectic Week
Prior to having our family circle, all three of us were feeling frustration and overwhelm, which caused a lot of friction between us throughout the week.
There were many moments I lost my cool with Jace, frustrated that he was too reliant on Kavitha and I to do things for him.
On his end, Jace was frustrated that Kavitha and I were too controlling of him, and felt we were always giving him orders.
By Sunday, it was clear to Kavitha and I that this was a pattern we as a family had to look into.
Having gone through countless cycles of conflict and healing, we know that when an issue repeats itself, something deeper is trying to happen.
And until that deeper thing is addressed, the conflict will continue to repeat.
Initial Resistance
That Sunday evening, I proposed we have a family circle to talk about the issue.
Kavitha was on board. But Jace was resistant. He was concerned that the circle would eat into his evening play time.
Subconsciously, perhaps he was also trying to avoid the issue. Talking about difficult emotions is uncomfortable and our human tendency is to avoid it.
But Kavitha and I were firm that the circle was important to have.
I said to Jace, “The circle doesn’t have to be a boring thing where we sit and just talk.”
“We can do it in a fun way! We can all lie down and roll on each other and talk. Or we can hang ourselves upside down and talk,” I joked.
Jace laughed, visibly loosening up a bit.
Kavitha suggested, “How about we play and have the circle at the same time?” Her idea was a winner.
And that’s how we ended up having the family circle while building Lego.
Healing in a Circle
As we sat and started making our own creations with Lego pieces, I set the intention for the circle, “to help us understand each other’s feelings better and find a way forward to bring our family back into harmony.”
Each of us took turns to share how we felt throughout the week. The rule was: when someone is talking, the others listen without interrupting.
What we understood about ourselves through this process was amazing.
As I verbalised my feelings, I realised my frustration was actually about needing quiet time with myself, which I had denied myself because I was scrolling mindlessly on the phone too much.
Jace shared that school had been really stressful for him, and he just needed time at home to relax and decompress.
Kavitha shared that she was feeling overwhelmed because of the many year-end work deadlines and social appointments.
As we understood ourselves and each other better, we found solutions as a family to support each other’s wellbeing.
Final Thoughts
The feeling of having a circle as a family was different from the circles Kavitha and I had as a couple.
I felt a greater sense of being seen and belonging.
I feel really grateful for how far we’ve come as a family.
The family circle was not something we could have accomplished from day one.
It was only possible because of the years of work Kavitha and I had done as individuals, as a couple, and as parents—sitting with our own difficult emotions instead of avoiding them; looking within ourselves instead of blaming our partner or child; and having uncomfortable conversations over and over again instead of sweeping things under the carpet.
I hope this inspires you today to continue working on yourself and your relationships.
In Love and Friendship,
Kester Shekar-Tay
Co-Founder and Co-CEO, SACRED®
Modern Relationship Skills Advocate
P.S. If you’re wondering what Lego creations we made as shown in the photo—Jace made a 'snow spaceship'; I made a ‘birthday cake carrier’ that delivers cakes from planet to planet in space; Kavitha was the ‘parts separator’, helping us separate Lego parts.
P.P.S. Want to build better relationships? Join our free 7-Day Relationship Reset Challenge.
P.P.P.S. We received feedback that the links to the videos in last week’s email did not work. Here are the videos of Kavitha before and after she healed her voice.
Before healing (if video does not play, click here):
|
After healing (if video does not play, click here):
|
