The Fight That Shook (And Changed) Us
Kavitha and I (Kester) had one of our most intense conflicts last week. Even though we tried to be aware, things escalated.
In the heat of anger, we said and did things we regretted.
Those things woke us up from unconsciousness and brought the fight to an abrupt stop.
The Aftermath
Both of us sat in silence—shaken by what just happened.
These thoughts ran in my head:
What did I just do?
What just happened?
I thought we had things under control. How did it spiral so out of hand?
After so many years of work on myself, how did I become so unconscious?
This is not at all the outcome I want.
The AAR (After Action Review)
Talking about the fight was hard. Very hard.
I had to use all my mental strength to resist the temptation to withdraw, and instead take responsibility for my actions.
I had to face the guilt and shame of my hurtful actions.
I broke down, thinking—I love her so much, yet I hurt her so deeply.
Kavitha took responsibility for her part too.
“What happened was not right,” she said. “But rather than letting it tear us apart, I want to understand the lessons, which I know are extremely valuable.”
Here are my three biggest lessons from the fight.
Lesson 1: Every moment, we have a choice in how we respond. And that choice influences the outcome.
I kept replaying the scene over and over again in my mind, thinking how things could have been different if I had acted differently.
I realised every moment we have a choice.
We can choose to let our pain take over us and say things like:
“You also did this to me last time.”
“Ya la, I’m always wrong, you’re always right.”
“I would not have done this if you didn’t do that.”
OR—we can choose to let our Awareness hold our pain in love and compassion, and respond from a conscious place:
“I hear you.”
“I can see why you would feel that way.”
“I love you regardless of how you feel.”
When your pain talks, it provokes the pain in the other person as well. That’s how things spiral out of control.
When Awareness talks, it breaks the cycle.
Lesson 2: If we want to end the cycle of suffering for ourselves, we must stop causing suffering to others.
In our humanness, we tend to think that to stop suffering, others need to stop causing suffering to us.
But in a moment of clarity after the fight, Kavitha said something that resonated deeply in me:
“I’ve had enough of suffering,” she said. “And if I do not want to suffer anymore, I cannot cause suffering to anyone else.”
Lesson 3: To love is to see the other in totality, not just one part of them.
It’s painful for someone to be judged by their mistakes only.
I felt this pain. After the fight, I felt:
“I’ve tried and tried my best to be a good husband and person. Yet the one time I was unconscious, I’m judged and labelled for life. That few seconds of unconsciousness could cost me my marriage and change my whole life. That feels so unfair.”
In that moment, Kavitha said to me:
“I see that 90% of you is beautiful. The 10% is unconscious. But I choose to love both sides of you.”
That healed something deep in me.
I resolved to also always see her and others in totality, not just by their mistakes or moments of unconsciousness.
New Year Resolutions
The end of the year is not just a season for celebration. It’s also a season for letting go and setting new intentions.
In our experience, this season can bring up old, suppressed emotions and unhealthy patterns that have weighed us down—so we can become aware that they’re there, and release them.
This is not just a matter of telling yourself, “I want to change.”
Words mean nothing if there’s no action.
True transformation requires new practices that make us more aware and intentional.
Kavitha and I have committed to not repeat our old patterns in 2026 and invite you to join us.
Make 2026 Your Year of Change
We’re running a free New Year Challenge for those who are:
• Tired of repeating the same cycles, and
• Ready to start a new chapter in your relationship journey—whether it is with your partner, family, friends or colleagues.
You’ll get:
→ A clear path to get from where you are to where you want to be
→ Guided practices
→ Support every step of the way
Reply this email with the word ‘CHANGE’ to join.
In Friendship,
Kester Shekar-Tay
Founder & Co-CEO, SACRED®
Modern Relationship Skills Advocate
