During my tween and teen years, I (Kavitha) was first assistant (the only assistant) to my dad’s various DIY projects around the house.
Some weekends it was fixing the fan regulator, other times it was drilling a screw in the wall to hang a photo frame or shelf.
The DIY projects I remember most vividly was fixing light bulb wires to a live wire from the wall, or fixing switch boards to the in wall wire.
These tasks required precision and deep focus.
A loose connection meant the light would not switch on. And accidentally touching the live wire to the neutral or ground wire, meant short circuiting the house, and no electricity till the government electrician came around to fixing the circuit board, which roughly took for about 7 to 10 days.
What loose circuit board wire and loneliness have in common
The other day, I sat down with Kester to record our first episode of The Intentional Couple Podcast.
Kester asked me, “what were some of the tell tale signs that you are actually feeling lonely in a relationship?”
That question reminded me of my DIY years with my dad. It reminded me of the connection between a loosely connected circuit board wire and a loosely connected relationship.
Chronic disconnection leads to chronic loneliness. And all of this starts with something as simple as a missed moment of connection when you pass by your partner in the living room, as if you were passing by a stranger on the street.
Or when you sit down to have a meal and each of you is “busy” scrolling on the phone as if you were sharing a kopitam table with a stranger.
Just like a loosely connected circuit board wire does not power a light, a loosely connected relationship cannot spark intimacy.
And when left unattended for a long period of time this can short circuit the entire house.
“Dear, you're always on your phone.”
This was a phrase I’d use often in the past with Kester.
He’d reply with, “But I just sat down like literally a minute ago,” or “Uh! I don’t get a moment to unwind.”
I’d shrug my shoulders, shake my head and walk away, not understanding why I felt that way.
One day out of the blue, Kester asked me, “Dear do you say that because you are missing connection?”
That day something landed. I felt seen, and finally understood why I felt that way.
In the podcast we recorded this week, Kester said something that hit home:
“When I reflect deeply on it, what I realise is connection is our nature.
The natural state of human beings is connection. We crave connection.
So in a relationship, especially in a romantic relationship where you have formed a bond, when you have a rupture, a trigger, a strong emotion that pulls you apart, it feels like that.
It feels like a part of you has been torn away. Forcefully being pulled away. And you cannot get it back.
So there is grief. There is pain, and a deep loneliness.”
Two other reasons you feel lonely in relationships
1) Partial Acceptance
You brought a problem to your partner, you’ve spent hours explaining it to them. You tried to dissect it and lay it out as bite-sized pieces.
Yet it feels like there is this invisible wall between the two of you. The problem is known but only accepted partially.
It may feel like - A part of me is being accepted, but a part of me is completely being rejected.
2) Pretence
You both know there is this white elephant in the room.
Yet every time you try to touch this elephant an argument breaks out.
So there is this unsaid rule - “Let’s pretend the white elephant does not exist.”
The white elephant could be the in-laws, your husband’s gaming habits, or your parenting styles.
The cat’s out of the bag! Now what?
There are several ways you can approach this.
Option 1
You can continue to shrug your shoulders and say no point and watch the relationship drift apart.
Option 2
Take small consistent steps to learn the right skillsets needed to build healthy intentional relationships. For example this course.
Or listen to this week's podcast titled, “From Partners to Roommates: Why Couples Drift Apart”.
We explore questions that people have asked us over and over again:
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Why do people feel lonely even when they're in a relationship?
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What are the first signs that a couple is moving from being partners to roommates?
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Is the loneliness that I'm feeling in a relationship just a phase, or is it a sign that this relationship is over?
Be sure to listen till the end, where we share two practical exercises you can try to start rebuilding connection in your relationship.
Remember, drifting apart may not be a sign that the relationship is over, but that something needs attention.
In Friendship,
Kavitha Shekar-Tay
Co-Founder, SACRED® Institute
Co-Creator, SACRED T.R.U.S.T. Method™
P.S. Life is sacred. Live with intention.
