When your relationship is in limbo
Sometimes the most painful thing in a relationship is not conflicts, but ambiguity.
When we don't know where a relationship is going, we can feel extremely lonely and hopeless.
Recently, Kavitha and I met a couple who was experiencing exactly this.
They had been together for 10 years but had no emotional or sexual intimacy in their marriage.
The wife had been feeling lonely for a long time, and was turning to work and friends to fill the emotional void in her.
The husband felt the relationship was "okay" and didn't see anything wrong with the way things were.
He felt his wife was the one who should seek help to manage her emotions.
Our advice
Here's what we advised them:
Emotional connection is a key component of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Without it, the relationship can feel unsafe, which leaves partners constantly in fight or flight mode, or feeling numb.
Often times, it's the woman who feels bothered that there's no emotional connection in the relationship.
The man may not realise it because he's disconnected from his own emotions. He finds it frustrating to have to deal with his wife's emotions, and just wants peace.
A relationship like that can only move forward if both partners agree on these three questions:
- Is there a problem in the relationship?
- What is the problem?
- What is the solution to resolve the problem?
If one partner thinks there's a problem, but another doesn't, the relationship will be stuck.
If both partners agree there's a problem, but they disagree on what's the problem - maybe one partner thinks it's lack of sexual intimacy, while another thinks it's lack of emotional connection - the relationship will be stuck.
If they agree on the problem but not on the solution - maybe one partner thinks they can just read relationship tips and figure it out while another thinks therapy is needed - the relationship will be stuck.
What you can do
Long term happiness is only possible if both partners are on the same page, and are willing to put in effort to work on the relationship.
So if you you feel your relationship is in limbo, ask yourself: do my partner and I agree on the above three questions?
This may help you see where exactly the misalignment is, and figure out your next steps.
If you'd like guidance or support on this, book a one-to-one or couple therapy consultation with us at our website.
In Friendship,
Kester Shekar-Tay
Principal Therapist & Co-Founder, SACRED® Institute
Co-Creator, SACRED T.R.U.S.T. Method™
P.S. Life is sacred. Live with intention.
👉P.P.S. Have a relationship issue but don't know what to do? Our SACRED Support Team is here to listen, help you find clarity on your next steps, and answer any questions.
