The difference between couples who make it and couples who don't
After 7 years and 1,000+ clients, what have we learned about what makes a long-lasting relationship?
What breaks a relationship?
What causes change in a relationship?
In this newsletter, I (Kester) share my honest reflections on these three questions.
What makes a long-lasting relationship?
Kavitha and I work with couples in both group settings at our workshops, and in private settings in our 2-to-2 couple therapy programme.
Out of the couples we work with in our therapy programme, around 70% come out stronger. The remaining 30% either stop halfway or eventually decide to separate.
Kavitha and I asked ourselves:
What's the difference between couples who come out stronger after therapy, and couples who don't?
It is NOT the frequency or intensity of their conflicts.
It is NOT personality differences.
It is NOT lack of communication or intimacy.
It comes down to this:
One, how well do both partners know themselves as individuals?
Two, how clearly do both individuals know what they want in their life?
Three, how aligned is what they both want?
All couples who overcome adversity and build a long-lasting partnership have these:
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They are both clear that they want the relationship, as it fits into what they want in life.
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They are both clear that the relationship is a high priority.
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They both have a strong drive to work on the relationship.
Of course, discovering oneself is a lifelong journey. Many couples come to us because one or both partners are unsure about what they really want. Or they say they want the relationship, but their actions do not match their words.
Our role as therapists and mentors is to guide both partners to understand themselves deeply, align on the relationship, and facilitate healing while teaching relationship skills.
This is extremely important, as no amount of healing or relationship tools can help a couple who are unclear about whether they want the relationship.
What breaks a relationship?
One word: self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage happens when one or both partners “think” they want the relationship, but in their hearts, they are actually not fully committed.
Self-sabotage happens when our words do not match our actions.
We say we are “serious” about the relationship, but we invest little effort, money and time to work on it.
When the relationship gets tough, we easily question the relationship and think about walking away.
Why does self-sabotage happen?
Because of fear and pain.
Fear, because there is a part of us that is afraid to leave the relationship, for various reasons.
Pain, because there is a part of us that wants to leave the relationship to protect ourselves from suffering.
These two parts cause internal conflict, and thus, lack of commitment to the relationship.
What causes change in a relationship?
Three main things:
One, when one partner, mostly the woman, pushes the other partner to do something.
Two, when pain in the relationship becomes too unbearable, or a crisis such as infidelity has happened.
Three, when both partners proactively want to resolve old issues and build a stronger relationship.
Real change can happen regardless of which of the three reasons prompted a couple to take action.
Perhaps the more meaningful question is: what transforms a relationship from weak to strong?
Three things both partners need to do:
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Heal their individual fear and pain.
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Stop making relationship choices from fear and pain, and start making from intention.
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Learn real relationship skills that support a lifetime of growth and connection together.
This is exactly what our offerings at SACRED® Institute enable couples and individuals to do.
What does this mean for you?
Here are three questions for you to reflect on:
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Do I truly know what I want in my life - and in this relationship?
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Are my actions matching my words, or am I self-sabotaging?
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Are my partner and I aligned on what we both want?
If there is doubt or hesitation on any of them, don’t wait until the pain becomes unbearable to take action.
Here are two ways to rebuild connection in your relationship:
1. SACRED Relationship Foundation Course (online, self-paced) — for couples and individuals who want clarity. You'll figure out what you both actually want, align your relationship around it, and learn the real skills to communicate better, resolve conflict, and grow together.
After completing the course, you'll be able to:
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Get clear on what you actually want in your life and in your relationship.
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Align your values, priorities, and goals with your partner.
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Identify what's really underneath your recurring conflicts.
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Have difficult conversations without immediately escalating, and repair after conflict.
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Create intentional relationship habits that support a lifetime of connection.
2. Private Therapy with Kavitha & Kester (live, in-person) — for couples and individuals who want personalised, guided support. We'll work with you directly to heal what's beneath the surface, realign your relationship, and build skills that last.
After working with us, you'll be able to:
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See the specific fear and pain driving your own patterns, not just the surface conflict.
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Stop making relationship choices from fear and pain, and start making them from intention.
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Align on what you both actually want, so your actions finally match your words.
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Heal the individual wounds that have been quietly sabotaging your relationship.
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Build the communication and repair skills to handle whatever comes next, together.
Whichever path fits you, remember: don't let things slide and be the 30%. Choose to be the 70%.
In Friendship,
Kester Shekar-Tay
Co-Founder, SACRED® Institute
Creator, SACRED T.R.U.S.T. Method™
P.S. Life is sacred. Live with intention.
